Monday, December 15, 2014

Patience, Inspiration, and Late Night Revelation.

So it's been a month (and three days to be exact) that I've been back here in the sunshine state. One month FLEW. There's not much happening to be honest, but I've already learned a whole lot of somethings because of this bunch of nothing that isn't happening... ya following me here?

Let me tell ya about it. 

This week has been especially rough. A whole lot that I wasn't prepared for or expecting, and a whole lot of trying that isn't resulting in progress and a WHOLE lot of job apps that don't seem to be looked at no matter how many times I call or go into the stores or how many prayers I've sent just looking for answers. It's really, really obnoxious when you want the world NOW and God has a better and bigger plan, if you would just CALM YOURSELF for 10 seconds and accept that.

That's not a strength of mine. I like to have a plan and I like life to go according to plan. I like organization and success. That's all kind of ran off since I came home. On my mission I had a set schedule, 100% of my efforts were focused on people other than me. My entire purpose was to help OTHERS to come unto Christ. I wake up, study, eat, teach, plan, sleep, repeat. It was golden. Every few months the mission President calls and tells you that God has another plan and you're being transferred to another area, but then you get there and you adjust and it's like a well-oiled machine. All along you know your purpose and where you're going and you know that God wants you there. 

Real life is a different story. I know God loves me and has a plan for me, but I can't tell you where He wants me right now or why or WHY I DIDN'T GET A JOB THE DAY I WALKED OFF THE PLANE. (I'm getting over that now, I've just never had difficulty getting a job. It's new territory for me.) There's no transfer call, the purpose is eternal and a lot broader and there are a lot of other things you have to balance while remembering that God loves you and that there are bigger things than what's stressing you out right now. I just remembered that today. 

There has been a lot of soul searching and LOTS of praying (begging, really, but it's whatever), lots of studying (still room for improvement, let's be honest) and a few tender mercies in between the really tough days. 

That's brought me to where I am right now. The entire month that I've been home has been asking these same questions; What do I do now? Where do I need to go? Should I stay here? Should I move? Why don't I have a job yet? Where should I work? What does the man upstairs want from me right now? HELP ME PLEASE?

I've been pretty obnoxious asking a whole lot of questions and making a whole lot of requests as to what I think would be good or cool to have in my life right now.

Then I went to church this afternoon. YSA wards, man. I'm still trying to enjoy it, but the lessons today were TOP. In Relief Society they had mentioned a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 58, and I didn't really focus on it but I knew I liked it. So naturally, I forgot all about it after church. I came home, ate, made a few more requests and sent a few more questions to the Man upstairs. Decided to go to sleep, rolled around for a while, but I was thinking so much of everything that was going on and recognizing little answers and Doctrine and Covenants 58 came to mind. For whatever reason the ONLY time this deep inspiration/study motivation/answers/etc comes is extremely late at night when the only thing I want to do is sleep. But I mean no complaints, I'll take it when I can get it.

So I read. 

Turns out all that I needed was in this chapter. 

I wouldn't have been ready for it nor listened to it had i read it before, but today it was perfect.

I had a lil Q&A session tonight, just me and God via Doctrine and Covenants.

Number One:
   Q: Mmkay this isn't so cool any more I'm kind of tired of this, I get that the trials are for me to learn but really now it's been a long month

   A:  For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithfulin tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.

 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

             Okay, touché. 

Q: Okay then I get that, but still.. What do ya want me to do? Where do ya want me? Just tell me where to go and I'll do it. I'm all in. Let's go. I just need a lil direction.

A:  26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

 27 Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

 28 For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward

 29 But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned.

Alright fine I get it. No more transfer calls. No more "Hey Sister Morrill, I need you RIGHT HERE and I need you to take a bus at 9 PM on Sunday night to get there and you'll meet your companion when you get off and yall will choose together what to do and I'll be with you okay?"

You're a grown woman, GET YO'SELF TOGETHER. We're back to real life. We choose and we act and we make mistakes or good choices and we get consequences, and that's part of the thrill of it. Nothing is for certain, but if we do what we know is right, so many of our decisions, whether or not they are perfectly made and organized, will still be for our benefit. We're here to learn and grow. We can't wait to be physically placed exactly where God wants us and wait for all of it to fall into place. We've got to make the path and ask God for the help along the way.

So now is the time to decide. If they don't have what I want or need here, I can go. I can stay. I can look harder. I can find somewhere with other opportunities. I'm not assigned a mission or a companion. I choose. I can do anything, and it's completely up to me. I still don't know exactly where I'm headed or what I'll do with it, but God trusts me and I trust Him to lead me right. 

Truthfully, I thought I learned this "relying on God" lesson on my mission, but what I'm really learning is that that is exactly what the test is on earth. We're going to be tested and tried and it's going to be hard and lines are going to be blurred and we're going to have to choose hard things. And each of our decisions will bring us a step closer or a step further from God, but every time we choose good and ask Him for the help or strength or whatever we may need.. He'll be there. It's not a question. The only question is if we will trust that or not.

 ¶For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your waysmy ways, saith the Lord.

 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my wayshigher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

He knows better, and He's never changing. We can trust in Him and trust in the ability that He has given us to choose for ourselves. We have our road map. We have our scriptures, prayer, and a living prophet on the earth today. We have the Spirit's guidance. We are unstoppable.

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