Quarter Life Crisis

Alright y'all, I've had a whole lotta thoughts this week, and when I put it on paper it was long enough that I decided to have mercy on everyone's social media by just turning it into a blog post. But honestly y'all know I talk a lot, so really long posts here and there are nothing new. I tried my best to put my thoughts into words, but I always think music can communicate my thoughts and feelings much better than I can...so I added some music videos at the end for your listening pleasure. Anyways, I'm about to get real here, so buckle up.

This past year has been the absolute hardest of my life. I've had some high points, but there were also moments where I've never felt lower. I had my share of physical challenges, but all that was made so much harder by the battle going on inside my head. There were months upon months where I felt absolutely stuck in a pit, with no way to escape. I felt empty and hopeless. I never doubted that God existed, but I did hit a point where I no longer believed that he was there for ME. I felt like I stopped receiving answers, and developed this mentality of "I'm giving up on God because he's clearly given up on me." 

I felt deserted. I had detached myself from everyone around me. I stopped trying. I lost sight of my goals. I had no idea where I wanted to go or what I wanted out of life. My mind just felt like this foggy, hopeless pit and I had no way to shake it off or move past it. I felt like I hit rock bottom and really the ONLY thing I could do was pray, and that's where I found the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I prayed longer, and more genuinely than I had probably ever. I still don't know exactly where I'm going, but I know God loves me and I don't doubt, for the first time in a long time, that things are going to get better and that I am most definitely not alone. God was there for me even when I left him, and when I thought He had left me. I know that He loves me unconditionally, and that He will NEVER leave me. 

If you ever feel lost, depressed, or alone, please know you have a friend in me, but even more so that you have a Heavenly Father who knows you perfectly and is just waiting for you to open the door and let Him in. He loves you. He is there for you, no matter what you've done or how you feel. Honestly I wouldn't wish that feeling of hitting rock bottom on anyone, but if it means everyone could feel God's presence in their life like I have this week, then push through, endure, and pray like crazy until you get there. That love has made all the difference in my life, and for the first time in a long time I know without a doubt that everything is going to be okay. 

I don't write this for attention or for anyone to feel bad for me (literally nothing bothers me more than pity. I'm not about that). Just wanted to get those thoughts outta my system, and to let anyone out there who might be feeling the same way know that they're not alone, that they are loved, and that I PROMISE things do get better, even when it feels like they never will.  

Love Letter

     So I posted a while ago about a love letter assignment that I had to submit for a class. I wrote about tacos. By popular demand, I'm dropping it here for your reading pleasure. I dedicate this to all of you who love tacos like I do. Also, consider this my annual blog post because I forget I have one 394 days of the year. Here we go:

Dear Tacos, 

     Where do I begin? You’ve impressed me all my life. As a child, I loved you. I only knew of American tacos at the time, but I loved you just the same. Your massive flour tortilla, juicy ground beef with sour cream and lettuce. “Yum” was all I could say…Literally. Over time, my childhood love turned into desperation. I wanted food, and I wanted it cheap. That was our “Taco Bell” stage. I won’t say any more about that. Even through the hard times, you stuck by my side and filled me with happiness.

     Thankfully, our love has evolved since the Taco Bell days. I remember the first time my friends took me to the local taco truck. My life was forever changed. I could smell the limes from a mile away. I saw Jarrito’s soda and salsa lining the taco truck window, and then…I saw you. The cook passed a plate full of tacos to the man in front of me, and I just couldn’t help myself. The corn tortilla, the carne asada, the cilantro… It all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I ordered you for myself, and the moment you touched my lips, my life was forever changed. “THIS is what tacos should be like,” I thought. It was a blissful moment.

     I know time has passed since then, but I still think of you just as fondly. I’m sure to find you, wherever I may be. I thought you were gone forever when I left Florida, but turns out it was only the beginning of our journey. I couldn’t find you at our favorite taco truck anymore, but since then I have discovered a plethora of taco stands downtown, just waiting to reunite us. My friends still send photos of that taco truck, thinking that it will make me jealous and convince me to return. What they don’t know is that I have a piece of you with me everywhere I go. In the fridge waiting for lunch, at the local Mexican restaurant, one of those taco stands… Nothing can keep us apart, for I know you’ll find a way to me regardless of distance or circumstance. We have a love that few understand, many envy, and some even resent. All I can do is share my love in attempt to spread the same happiness that you have brought me.

Forever yours,

Jordan Morrill

Changes

Well, to be completely honest I forgot that I even had a blog.

It's been over a year since I've posted. I doubt anyone's really noticed, but I'm back anyways. Ha. Hey guys.


A WHOLE lot has happened since my last post... I mean, I would hope so... It's been almost a year and a half. EEK!

Let me update you. Clearly, I came back from my mission in November 2014. I started working at Walgreens (for, like, a month), and then I landed the GREATEST job with wonderful people and an incredible company in a pediatrics office. I was there for over a year and I loved [almost] every minute of it.

Over the past year and a half I've done a whole lot of growing, and a whooooole lot of learning. I wish I could eloquently summarize all that I've been through since last January, but I don't know how. I've had to learn lessons the hard way and some of those moments have been seriously difficult, but I've let them shape me into something better. Now I know what I want for my future and there's no settling for anything less.

Anyways, after a year in pediatrics I realized it was time for another big step- pursuing my education. (Gross, I know).

At the beginning of the year I was accepted to LDS Business College, where I will be returning once again to pursue my Associates degree. Committing to a school in Salt Lake unfortunately means one thing- MOVING.

JORDAN TAKES SALT LAKE CITY (yes, again)...

Let's talk about that real quick. You might be sensing a bit of Deja Vu right now. That would be because only 4 years ago, I graduated high school and immediately moved to Utah in pursuit of the exact same thing. I was ready to be out on my own, leave the small town behind, and spread my wings in the big city. I thought I had it all figured out. I fully intended on staying, finishing my degree, and then seeing what life had to offer after that point. Well, God had another plan. I made a lot of big changes in my own life, had a desire to serve a mission, quit school, tried to save money and prepared to serve the people of California and Brazil. Just like that.

That being said, here I am 4 years later with the same objectives as my 18 year old self. This time I'm definitely better equipped for the task than I was then, so hopefully good things are coming. Spiritually I grew leaps and bounds last time I was here, and while I will always have room for improvement in that regard, I know that I have so much more to learn in this city. I know I'll be tried and tested and this whole process is going to kick my trash, but I am ready!


My dad and I road tripped all the way from Florida to Utah 2 weeks ago. It was incredibly hard to say goodbye, but I know I'll be back soon enough. Really though, all of my friends are getting married soooo I have to be there for the weddings... So many weddings.

I got a job with Intermountain Healthcare and I start on Monday, and I CANNOT WAIT. Honestly. Being unemployed in (sort of) new place 2,500 miles away from all your friends does bad, bad things to a person. I find things to occupy my time, but I have nowhere I have to be, no one to see, nothing to do...  (cue Perfectly Lonely by John Mayer. That's my life.) BUT I know I'll be running around like crazy soon and I'll be wishing for this time back.. The grass is always greener on the other side, right?


ANYWAYS, during this process, one word keeps coming to mind. REBUILD.

Rebuild. Since I've been home, I've been building up a life in Florida all by myself, and in retrospect it was actually pretty dang good. I LOVE the people I surrounded myself with. I loved my job. My church group. Friends. Our weekend taco truck runs. I was living the life. But looking back, it took a lot of time and LOTS of work to get to that point. I worked hard, played hard, and put my blood, sweat and tears into making that life.

So here I am now, with the opportunity to start fresh and REBUILD. To work and sweat and fight and pray until my life is put back together again.

I read an article a while back that was talking about stress, and he told a story about lobsters and how they grow. They are soft creatures living within an outer shell which protects them, but it does not grow with them. As they grow, the shell becomes uncomfortable and tight. It no longer fits them. When the shell becomes to small, they hide under rocks for protection, removes the original shell, and produces another- and this process repeats itself as the lobster continues to grow. This man related this story to stress, and pointed out that the only reason that the lobster hides and sheds their shell is because they become uncomfortable. These times of discomfort are merely times for growth. We grow under moments of adversity. That being said, this move has been tough. It's not all fun and wild dreams. It takes work. It's uncomfortable. In Florida, I was growing and found myself in a place where I needed to shed that smaller shell. While it's easy to forget how much time and effort went into my life there, it's so important to remember that I built it there, and I can rebuild here in Utah. This move is an opportunity for more growth. Because of this step, I know now that I have more room to grow into the person I need to be. Those things I had in Florida? I'll get that back. I'll get that and more. It's just a matter of work, patience, and trust in the Lord.

Life is good!

Good Things To Come

The past two weeks have been incredible, guys.

Sometimes things are really hard and you kind of lose sight of the big picture.

And sometimes something falls into replace and you remember that God has a plan for you and you are really just super blessed.

Since I've been home it's been a lot of the first one.

But the past two weeks have definitely been all about the latter.

And it's 100% of a few things I learned from my mission

1- Trust God and believe in good things to come

2- ENDURE TO THE END

3- Pray and Fast and Act and repeat until you see it working. Don't doubt. Don't give up.

It's fool-proof.

Two weeks ago, I woke up and told myself I was going to get a job that week. I've put in a billion and two applications and done my part and nothing was working and no one was seeing me, so I thought I was done with Florida and trying my luck somewhere else.. It didn't seem likely at the moment, but I decided I needed to be here and that one way or the other I was getting a job and I was going to stay.

I've become 900% aware that I cannot do a single thing on my own, so naturally I had to take it up with the Man upstairs. "Hey, so you probably got the memo but I am going to get a job this week. I need your help. Let me know what to do or where to go or work some of your magic or prepare somewhere or SOMETHING. I'm doing my part, just help me out please. Thanks." I prayed about it, I fasted about it (because the mission also taught me that fasting is important and even essential in getting respostas.... responses?... answers. Answers...yeah). 

So that happened and I went on my marry little way. Maybe 2 days later I get a text from my friend saying her manager wanted to set up an interview for Wednesday. UH OKAY. The interview went well and she said the people who got the job will know the day after Christmas or on Saturday.... Thursday....Friday...Saturday passed... no call. I gave up on Walgreens but shook it off. "WHATEVER. I've still got one day to get a job. So what if Walgreens doesn't want me. I don't want Walgreens, either. Fine."

Then Sunday came. I was headed to church. I had a missed call from Walgreens.

Obvs I jumped on that and called right back.....

My new boss-lady told me I GOT THE JOB.

DANG STRAIGHT I DID, GOD'S ON MY SIDE!

But really.

Blessings are real and when we trust God, He makes things happen.

Literally it was exactly 1 week from the day I had decided and prayed about getting a job that week.

So this week I've been working and it's exhausting and satisfying and every aspect of my life is better and balanced because of it.

Today was day 3 of work and it was a bit rough, but I had some incredible friends who surprised me with a visit exactly as they were needed. 

I wasn't planning on a post this week, but I've just been thinking a lot about that and I am completely amazed seeing that EVERY TIME that I honestly have a problem or a goal and I take it up with my Heavenly Father, something happens. It works, and it works way more smoothly and greater than it would had it been by myself.

Life is so much more simple when you know that. God is there.He loves us. He wants to help us. Counsel with Him, and all will be well. Everyone needs a reminder of that sometimes. We try to perfect ourselves in Him, and He just blesses us... over and over and over again. 

 32 Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.

The Gospel is perfect. God's plan is perfect. Life is good.

If you don't know that with every fiber of your being, pray and prove it and work and plead for help until you do. You'll get an answer every time.

Until next time :)

Jordan

Patience, Inspiration, and Late Night Revelation.

So it's been a month (and three days to be exact) that I've been back here in the sunshine state. One month FLEW. There's not much happening to be honest, but I've already learned a whole lot of somethings because of this bunch of nothing that isn't happening... ya following me here?

Let me tell ya about it. 

This week has been especially rough. A whole lot that I wasn't prepared for or expecting, and a whole lot of trying that isn't resulting in progress and a WHOLE lot of job apps that don't seem to be looked at no matter how many times I call or go into the stores or how many prayers I've sent just looking for answers. It's really, really obnoxious when you want the world NOW and God has a better and bigger plan, if you would just CALM YOURSELF for 10 seconds and accept that.

That's not a strength of mine. I like to have a plan and I like life to go according to plan. I like organization and success. That's all kind of ran off since I came home. On my mission I had a set schedule, 100% of my efforts were focused on people other than me. My entire purpose was to help OTHERS to come unto Christ. I wake up, study, eat, teach, plan, sleep, repeat. It was golden. Every few months the mission President calls and tells you that God has another plan and you're being transferred to another area, but then you get there and you adjust and it's like a well-oiled machine. All along you know your purpose and where you're going and you know that God wants you there. 

Real life is a different story. I know God loves me and has a plan for me, but I can't tell you where He wants me right now or why or WHY I DIDN'T GET A JOB THE DAY I WALKED OFF THE PLANE. (I'm getting over that now, I've just never had difficulty getting a job. It's new territory for me.) There's no transfer call, the purpose is eternal and a lot broader and there are a lot of other things you have to balance while remembering that God loves you and that there are bigger things than what's stressing you out right now. I just remembered that today. 

There has been a lot of soul searching and LOTS of praying (begging, really, but it's whatever), lots of studying (still room for improvement, let's be honest) and a few tender mercies in between the really tough days. 

That's brought me to where I am right now. The entire month that I've been home has been asking these same questions; What do I do now? Where do I need to go? Should I stay here? Should I move? Why don't I have a job yet? Where should I work? What does the man upstairs want from me right now? HELP ME PLEASE?

I've been pretty obnoxious asking a whole lot of questions and making a whole lot of requests as to what I think would be good or cool to have in my life right now.

Then I went to church this afternoon. YSA wards, man. I'm still trying to enjoy it, but the lessons today were TOP. In Relief Society they had mentioned a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 58, and I didn't really focus on it but I knew I liked it. So naturally, I forgot all about it after church. I came home, ate, made a few more requests and sent a few more questions to the Man upstairs. Decided to go to sleep, rolled around for a while, but I was thinking so much of everything that was going on and recognizing little answers and Doctrine and Covenants 58 came to mind. For whatever reason the ONLY time this deep inspiration/study motivation/answers/etc comes is extremely late at night when the only thing I want to do is sleep. But I mean no complaints, I'll take it when I can get it.

So I read. 

Turns out all that I needed was in this chapter. 

I wouldn't have been ready for it nor listened to it had i read it before, but today it was perfect.

I had a lil Q&A session tonight, just me and God via Doctrine and Covenants.

Number One:

   Q: Mmkay this isn't so cool any more I'm kind of tired of this, I get that the trials are for me to learn but really now it's been a long month

   A:  2 For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithfulin tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.

 3 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

 4 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

             Okay, touché. 

Q: Okay then I get that, but still.. What do ya want me to do? Where do ya want me? Just tell me where to go and I'll do it. I'm all in. Let's go. I just need a lil direction.

A:  26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

 27 Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

 28 For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward

 29 But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned.

Alright fine I get it. No more transfer calls. No more "Hey Sister Morrill, I need you RIGHT HERE and I need you to take a bus at 9 PM on Sunday night to get there and you'll meet your companion when you get off and yall will choose together what to do and I'll be with you okay?"

You're a grown woman, GET YO'SELF TOGETHER. We're back to real life. We choose and we act and we make mistakes or good choices and we get consequences, and that's part of the thrill of it. Nothing is for certain, but if we do what we know is right, so many of our decisions, whether or not they are perfectly made and organized, will still be for our benefit. We're here to learn and grow. We can't wait to be physically placed exactly where God wants us and wait for all of it to fall into place. We've got to make the path and ask God for the help along the way.

So now is the time to decide. If they don't have what I want or need here, I can go. I can stay. I can look harder. I can find somewhere with other opportunities. I'm not assigned a mission or a companion. I choose. I can do anything, and it's completely up to me. I still don't know exactly where I'm headed or what I'll do with it, but God trusts me and I trust Him to lead me right. 

Truthfully, I thought I learned this "relying on God" lesson on my mission, but what I'm really learning is that that is exactly what the test is on earth. We're going to be tested and tried and it's going to be hard and lines are going to be blurred and we're going to have to choose hard things. And each of our decisions will bring us a step closer or a step further from God, but every time we choose good and ask Him for the help or strength or whatever we may need.. He'll be there. It's not a question. The only question is if we will trust that or not.

 8 ¶For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your waysmy ways, saith the Lord.

 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my wayshigher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

He knows better, and He's never changing. We can trust in Him and trust in the ability that He has given us to choose for ourselves. We have our road map. We have our scriptures, prayer, and a living prophet on the earth today. We have the Spirit's guidance. We are unstoppable.

What's that?

You thought this was over? You thought I was done?

OF COURSE NOT.

I figured.... why stop in the mission? Those weekly letters are everything on the mission, why wouldn't I find joy in it now? I love sharing. Time, stories, food... I love sharing what's going on and hearing from others, so I'm continuing this blog to try to continue that habit, and hopefully somewhere along the way someone gets something out of this, and maybe it will do good for someone somewhere.

Let's talk about RM life thus far.

I've been home for 13 days. 

It took me 9 to watch a normal movie. The movie was Mockingjay pt 1. It was intense.. I then had to have a Hunger Games marathon the next day because I had never seen Catching Fire, nor remembered what the whole thing was really about. That was a lot of movie time. A lot of violent movie time. It was rockin. Just different after a year and a half of Jesus 24/7. #RMprobs

Hugs are nice. I'll hug anyone and (almost) everyone. Minus the creepers. I'm dreading going to the YSA branch because giving a homecoming talk or stake conference are no longer valid excuses anymore. This Sunday it's just YSA and I. Baby steps, baby steps.

In case anyone missed it, this happened.

That one's still fresh. I don't want to talk about that right now.

But I'll get over it.

I have been eating unholy amounts of Taco Bell (specifically for the Baja Blasts and Crunchwrap Supreme, if you must know).

I speak to myself in Portuguese when no one's around. People tell me I have a latino accent. 

I always joked about the RM's (as young as 5 days off the mish to 50 years) who go on "well on my mission, we...." rants... 

But I have become one of them. But it's where I've spent the last year and a half of my life, so give me a break.

I'm looking for a job. I'm hoping to marry a rich man one day so I can not work or look for jobs. PS everyone.. I mean EVERYONE talks about marriage and I can't handle it right now. I don't recognize anyone on facebook because they all got hitched and changed their last names. I came back and it's all the same but it's all different. I don't know how to explain it. My life plan right now is the following:

     *get a job

     *save money from said job

     *get an apartment

     *stay in said apartment at least til my sister graduates in may

     *if I still have money saved, roadtrip to California and everywhere in between for the summer

     

and then

     *figure the rest of my life out.

so in case you were curious, there it is. 

That's it.

The first two weeks really haven't been too crazy, I'm just trying to get unlost and it's just frustrating, sooooo I'll get back to ya when exciting things start happening again okay? okay. beleza.

PEACE, Y'ALL

Love,

Jordan.

Just Jordan.

I´M COMIN´ HOME TO YOUUUU

Hey yall.

So I´m in the mission office. We´re having interviews with President. Tomorrow I get that AIRPLANE HOME! 

Carol got baptized on Friday. Our ´´capela´´ is a huge yellow house rented and there is a little swimming pool in the back... that´s where she got baptized. BASK. It was raining half the week and it was so important for Carol to be baptized in ´´her capela´´, but it wasn´t looking possible, BUT with miracles do Senhor the rain stopped around 4 PM and the baptism started at 7:30 as planned! 

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. 

I think my memory card has a virus, so if anyone at home knows how to fix that without losing all of my photos por favor help me when I get there this week... I´ll show yall fotos and what not when I get home ;)

PS I PREACHED TO A BUS FULL OF PEOPLE IN BRASIL THIS WEEK. IT WAS SICK. 20 SECONDS OF COURAGE, BABY.

See ya Wednesday ;)

Pela última vez,

Sister Morrill